


Gathering Courage

by pencilpusher



Series: Snapshots [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Childhood Friends, Confessions, First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Masturbation, Some angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 11:23:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11252133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pencilpusher/pseuds/pencilpusher
Summary: Tadashi realizes his feelings for Tsukki and confesses, which goes well. But after they date for two weeks, Tadashi feels like nothing has changed. If things are going to be different between them, then it's up to him to make the first move.Can be read independently.





	Gathering Courage

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to do a fic about the start of their relationship and try out Tadashi’s perspective, but this fic actually kicked my ass. So I think I’ll be sticking to Tsukki’s perspective from now on. I just can’t quite get into Tadashi’s headspace as easily as I can get into his.

“See you tomorrow.”

Tadashi startled and looked up from his Nintendo. Tsukki was standing with Tadashi’s bedroom door open, one hand on the doorknob so he could close it behind him. Tadashi hadn’t even heard him get up from the desk or pack his bag. And he could hear the music playing from Tsukki’s headphones already, a guitar and a high voice. The headphones were placed around his neck, and Tadashi knew Tsukki would put them on the second he stepped out the front door.

“Oh,” Tadashi said, looking at his clock to see that it was already almost 10pm. “Good night, Tsukki.”

Tadashi didn’t look back at him, couldn’t look back at him. So he kept his gaze on the space between Tsukki’s shoulder and the doorway. He could see the moon through the window at the end of the hall. It was half full.

“Are you okay?” Tsukki asked. He didn’t sound concerned, but Tadashi knew he was, if he was asking.

“Yes,” Tadashi said, looking down at his game. His character was standing in the Pokemon Center, just as he had been when Tadashi had started playing. “I’m just thinking something through.”

Tsukki stood at Tadashi’s door for a while, and he knew Tsukki was waiting just in case Tadashi wanted to elaborate. He didn’t want to. He’d never felt less like explaining something to Tsukki. Tadashi briefly thanked the universe that his best friend couldn’t read minds.

“Okay,” Tsukki said, and he shut Tadashi’s bedroom door. Tadashi listened to the sound of his footsteps on the stairs, the murmur of voices as Tsukki thanked his parents for having him over, and he only relaxed when he heard the front door close.

Tadashi turned off his Nintendo. He was too distracted to play. He leaned back against his pillows and bit his lip, glad that Tsukki was gone because now he could think without the possibility of being watched.

Earlier today, he had realized something. He loved watching Tsukki play volleyball—he always had—but it used to be because Tsukki showed more of his emotions while playing volleyball than he did throughout the rest of the day combined. Tadashi liked to see that, to make note of the expressions that passed through his best friend’s face.

Tsukki could be so hard to read sometimes, though it had become easier to catch and understand Tsukki’s small flickers of emotion once Tadashi started paying attention and learned his expressions through volleyball.

But at the end of practice today, Tadashi realized that he wasn’t looking at Tsukki’s face anymore.

He was looking at Tsukki’s legs as he came to a full stop, crouching low before jumping a block. He was looking at the way he stood in front of the net with his arms out, taking up space in a way he usually avoided. He was looking at the way Tsukki’s muscles moved, the way his shirt would sometimes ride up and reveal a line of his skin. And then Tsukki had lifted up part of his shirt to wipe some sweat off the side of his face, and Tadashi had stared at the smooth lines of his stomach, feeling a burning low in his throat that slowly traveled lower.

And he knew he had to admit what that was.

Desire.

He hadn’t looked at Tsukki directly in the eyes since, not once during their walk to Tadashi’s house or after they’d arrived. It was a Friday, so Tadashi had pulled out his Nintendo and sat on his bed while Tsukki read a book at his desk. Like normal. Except Tadashi had promptly done nothing but stare at his character because nothing had  _felt_ normal.

He had a crush on Tsukki _._ How could this have happened? When had this happened? Because it didn’t feel like some earth-shattering discovery, but rather like a slow realization that had been creeping up on him without him noticing. How long had he been studying the lines of Tsukki’s body instead of his face?

He turned onto his side and stared at the book that Tsukki had been reading, which he had left on Tadashi’s desk because they both knew he’d be back tomorrow. Tadashi would wake up late, text Tsukki to let him know he was awake, and Tsukki would be sitting at Tadashi’s desk reading when he got out of the shower.

His stomach fluttered as he imagined their routine, and he sighed.

He’d never had a crush on a boy before. He’d known that, objectively, he found some boys attractive—so he wasn’t surprised. But he didn’t know how actually having feelings for a boy even worked.

 _Probably the same way as having feelings for a girl,_ he told himself, squeezing his eyes shut. _Except this time it’s your best friend instead of someone you barely ever speak to._

He drew his knees up to his chest and hugged them. He didn’t think he wanted to like Tsukki. Because what if it somehow made Tadashi lose his best friend?

He shook his head. The thought of losing Tsukki made him feel like he was regressing back to when he was ten, during that first year after they’d met—when he’d felt like one wrong move would make Tsukki stop talking to him.

He tried to make himself relax. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Thinking of Tsukki was supposed to make him feel calm. Fond. He usually enjoyed thinking of his best friend. It was supposed to make him smile.

He told himself that he trusted Tsukki, knew him well enough that Tadashi also knew that he didn’t have to worry about losing him.

But did that mean he could confess? This was completely uncharted territory. When Tadashi had a crush, he kept it to himself and he assumed Tsukki did likewise. He had no idea if Tsukki liked anyone, if Tsukki liked boys or girls or both or neither.

Tadashi tried to think of something Tsukki had done or said, anything that could hint at his sexuality. But he was coming up with nothing. Maybe... Maybe he could just ask.

***

When Tadashi woke up and texted Tsukki the next morning, he didn’t feel ready to face him at all. Tsukki was reading at Tadashi’s desk when he got out the shower, just like Tadashi knew he would be, but Tadashi still hesitated in the doorway. He felt too warm, and the sunlight coming through Tadashi’s window was making Tsukki’s blond hair look almost luminescent.

“Good morning,” Tsukki said. Then he glanced at the clock and smirked. “Or I suppose I should say good afternoon.” Hearing Tsukki tease him pulled at Tadashi’s stomach and, when Tsukki made eye contact with him, Tadashi felt it shimmer down his spine.

He felt, at that moment, that it could be so easy. He could just say, “I like you.” Or he could brush his fingers through Tsukki’s hair, watch his hand shadow the sun, and lean down to kiss him. If only either one of those things didn’t hold the possibility of rejection, and then the possibility of an awkwardness bleeding into his friendship with Tsukki that could make Tadashi’s life crumble.

Tadashi kept staring a moment longer. He couldn’t help it. Tsukki was wearing a shirt that rode low, revealing his collarbone, and he was holding his book with both hands up by his face—which Tadashi knew meant he was enjoying it. If Tsukki was hating a book, he held it at arm's length. It was actually kind of cute. Tadashi blinked, surprised. He’d thought that before.

Tadashi looked away from him before he did something stupid like start blushing.

“I’m going to eat breakfast,” Tadashi said, and he felt Tsukki’s eyes follow him out of the room. He paused halfway down the staircase, a hand on his heart, which he could feel beating hard and fast against his fingers.

This was going to be a problem. He had to take the first step and find out if Tsukki even liked boys. He could decide how to go on from there.

***

Trying to find a way to ask Tsukki about his sexuality was difficult. Because Tadashi had no idea what he would say if Tsukki asked why he was asking.

Tadashi’s parents had gone out, so he and Tsukki were taking the opportunity to watch a movie—something about a struggling college band that Tsukki had brought over. Tadashi wasn’t really paying attention. His eyes kept sliding away from the TV screen to where Tsukki was sitting on the opposite side of the couch. Tsukki was watching the movie with his arms crossed and there was a slight frown on his face, which Tadashi was pretty sure meant he wasn’t enjoying the movie as much as he thought he would.

He found himself following the curve of Tsukki’s body with eyes down to his legs. They were so _long_.

If Tadashi couldn’t ask if Tsukki liked boys, maybe he could try to get a hint. Or maybe Tadashi could just tell Tsukki that he liked boys and see how he reacted. Tsukki snapped at people whenever they said anything homophobic, so Tadashi knew he didn’t have to worry about that.

Maybe Tadashi coming out was the real first step to all this.

Tadashi folded his hands together, and studied his fingers. He knew he was lucky. Not everyone had a friend like Tsukki—someone they didn’t have to worry about coming out to. Tsukki had a way of doing that—making Tadashi feel lucky.

But, however lucky he felt, Tadashi was still fighting the urge to flee the scene. He looked at the TV, where the leader of the band was walking alone through a busy street.

“He’s cute,” Tadashi said before he could stop himself.

Tsukki made a non-committal noise and then tensed, turning to look at Tadashi in surprise.

“He’s cute?” Tsukki asked, and Tadashi knew he was asking for a clarification.

“The band leader,” Tadashi said, gesturing to the TV, and he tried not to lose his courage as he felt himself blushing. “I think he’s hot.”

Tsukki stared at him, and Tadashi tried to read his face and failed. There was something playing behind Tsukki’s eyes, emotions he was holding back. Tadashi felt himself start to sweat.

Then the tension melted out of Tsukki’s body and he turned back toward the TV. “Yeah, he’s hot. But I wouldn’t call him cute. He’s too angry... and he’s loud,” Tsukki said and Tadashi thought he might just be blushing too.

Tadashi smiled down at his hands and when he looked back up, Tsukki was staring at him. Tsukki nodded and Tadashi nodded back, each confirming the same thing. And Tadashi had to force himself to look away once Tsukki turned back to the movie. _They both liked boys._

***

Tadashi woke up on Sunday and lazed around his room for a few hours before giving in to his hunger and going downstairs for breakfast. Tsukki didn’t come over on Sundays because his mom insisted he spend Sundays at their house—he went over to Tadashi’s house every Saturday and every weekday after volleyball practice. Sometimes he invited Tadashi over, but only if they didn’t have homework, which wasn’t often.

After he ate, Tadashi did his homework and studied a bit, then pulled out his sketchbook and started to draw. His drawings really should have been a clue. He’d drawn Tsukki often since he met him, but Tsukki had been the thing only he’d drawn in the past few weeks.

It was a relief to set his pencil to the paper, as he was never able to draw enough during the week. Tadashi didn’t like to draw in front of people, not even Tsukki.

He was drawing Tsukki wiping his face with is shirt before he realized it. And he had just finished drawing the lines of Tsukki’s stomach, the divets made by his hipbones, when he realized he was breathing faster than normal.

Tadashi shut his sketchbook and put it on the floor next to his bed. He put a hand to his face, and his cheeks felt warmer than usual. Then he moved his hand to his heart, just to feel the quickened beats push back against his fingers. When he thought of touching Tsukki, of Tsukki touching him, a heat went through Tadashi’s stomach that he was afraid of. But it didn’t stop him. And when he reached down beneath his waistline, felt his cock harden in his hand, it was like a validation.

Tsukki was making him hard, and Tadashi was surprisingly okay with it.

He paused then, curious. He had never really enjoyed masturbating, though he supposed he liked it enough to do it occasionally. But when he pictured someone while he did it, whether it was a girl he had a crush on or someone he just found attractive, it felt wrong. He didn’t like his brain touching them while he was touching himself. It made him nervous, made them feel like they were too close.

But if he pictured Tsukki? Tadashi already felt closer to Tsukki than to anyone else.

He tried to picture the two of them close physically, something simple. Kissing? He nodded, closing his eyes. He could try that.

Tsukki’s mouth against his, moving slowly. Tadashi’s hands in Tsukki’s hair and Tsukki’s hands on his hips, holding him close as they fell backwards onto his bed. One of Tadashi’s hands sliding up Tsukki’s shirt.

Tadashi tightened his grip, pulled up, and gasped, surprised.

It felt good. And Tsukki didn’t feel too close.

***

Getting off to thoughts of Tsukki made it hard to look at the other boy again when they met at the end of Tadashi’s street the next morning. They didn’t speak at all on the way to school, but that wasn’t unusual. They only talked on the way to and from Karasuno if Tadashi initiated the conversation, and Tadashi wasn’t a morning person.

He usually was still half asleep at the start of morning volleyball practice, but today he felt wide awake. And he was so stuck between trying not to sneak too long looks at Tsukki and thinking of Tsukki constantly that he played awful. His morning classes went no better, as he couldn’t concentrate on what the teachers were saying, and he only ended up with one new thing written in his notebook: _Tsukki_. He couldn’t even remember writing it.

Tadashi could feel Tsukki watching him as they ate lunch in silence, but Tsukki didn’t try to draw him into conversation. Tadashi couldn’t decide if he was disappointed or relieved.

During his afternoon classes he decided that he should... he should probably confess. The idea made him so nervous that he didn’t even notice when class ended, and Tadashi startled to awareness only when Tsukki placed his notebook on Tadashi’s desk.

“You can copy my notes from today,” Tsukki said. He must have noticed that Tadashi hadn’t been writing anything.

Tadashi nodded and put the notebook in his bag. “Thanks, Tsukki.”

Tsukki sat down in the empty desk next to Tadashi’s and put on his headphones, just like he usually did.

On a normal day, Tadashi would use the time between school and volleyball practice to look over the class notes he’d written that day, and he should probably be copying Tsukki’s notes now. But he knew he wouldn’t be able to concentrate.

He crossed his arms on his desk and leaned his forehead against them.

He wanted to date Tsukki. And maybe he could. Maybe Tsukki liked him back.

But he’d have to confess, and he’d have to initiate it. He knew Tsukki wouldn’t try to pry into what was bothering him. That was the way he and Tsukki had always done things. They waited for each other to talk, and they didn’t push when the other wanted silence. They didn’t make each other do things. When they spent time together, Tadashi always felt like each moment had a foundation of a quiet mutual agreement that if one of them didn’t want to be there, they wouldn’t be.

Tadashi pushed his forehead harder against his arms. He knew what he wanted and he knew how to try to get it, but he was afraid.

He heard the music first, a slow piano riff, and he was about to lift his head to see where it was coming from when he felt the headphones placed over his ears. Tsukki’s headphones. Tadashi let out a slow breath.

It was a slow song, but it didn’t sound sad to Tadashi. Wind instruments joined the piano and the volume slowly rose into the chorus, which was light and airy. It was a song Tadashi had heard playing from Tsukki headphones before, but he usually just heard from where they hung around Tsukki’s neck.

Tadashi sat up to look at Tsukki, who was watching him with his chin resting on the palms of both his hands, his elbows leaning on the desk.

Tadashi smiled at him in thanks and then leaned his forehead back against his arms. If this wasn’t a good sign, Tadashi didn’t know what was.

By the time Tsukki lightly shook his shoulder and they headed to after-school volleyball practice, Tadashi felt calmer. He played better too. He caught Tsukki watching him a few times and he made sure to smile at him. He didn’t want him to worry.

After blocking particularly hard spike from Tanaka, Tadashi saw Tsukki looking around for the first aid kit. Tadashi found it before him and it held it out for Tsukki to take. Tsukki hesitated, looked down and to the side, and then held out his left hand instead, pointing at his pinky and forefinger. Surprised, Tadashi opened the kit and got out sports tape. Tsukki had never let him do this before. Tadashi used to try to help, but Tsukki always insisted he could do it himself.

Tadashi fought back a smile as he wrapped Tsukki’s fingers, taking care not to wrap it too loose or too tight. Because this was a good sign too, wasn’t it? Or was Tadashi just over-reading everything? Maybe Tsukki was just worried.

No. They’d come out to each other, and now Tsukki had done two new, unexpected things in one day. The headphones. And now this.

Tadashi knew that Tsukki thought things through and did things with a reason. His reason now had to be more than worry. Tsukki had been worried about him other times too, and he’d never done things like this.

 _Please be more than worried._ Tadashi directed the thoughts at Tsukki’s fingers—like they could somehow convince Tsukki’s brain to return his feelings.

“You seem better,” Tsukki said quietly.

Tadashi stilled his movements, met Tsukki’s eyes, and he almost confessed to Tsukki right there in the middle of volleyball practice, in the middle of taping Tsukki’s fingers.

Then Tadashi shook his head and Tsukki frowned slightly, the one where his eyebrows drew together that meant he was confused.

“After practice,” Tadashi said, knowing that Tsukki would understand that Tadashi meant he would explain then. Tsukki nodded, and didn’t speak again.

Tadashi dressed quickly after practice was over, wanting to get alone with Tsukki before he could convince himself out of confessing, but then it took Tadashi a few minutes of walking home with Tsukki to gather his courage. He didn’t want Tuesday to be like today, which had been so full of uncertainty and creeping fear. He could do this.

Tadashi stopped walking and said, “Tsukki, I recently realized...”

Tsukki stopped and turned around, his expression open and blank.

Tadashi clenched his fists. “I like you.”

For a moment, Tsukki didn’t react, and Tadashi's senses seemed to be taking everything in. He heard a car drive by them, saw a bird land on the wall to Tsukki’s left, felt a breeze ghosting against the back of his neck, bringing air with it that smelt like wet earth from the rain they’d gotten in the afternoon.

Then Tsukki frowned and said, “Oh.”

Tadashi felt his hands open, his shoulders slump, and he tried not to let the hurt show on his face. Was that a rejection?

“Good,” Tsukki said.

Good? Tadashi felt his eyes widen in surprise. Did that mean Tsukki liked him back? That it was good that Tadashi liked him? Tsukki was watching him, and only when Tadashi smiled did he turn around and start walking again.

Tadashi hurried to catch up with him. He couldn’t quite believe that his confession had been accepted, but he found himself smiling at the ground.

“Date me, Tsukki,” he said after gathering his courage again—just in case this was all a huge misunderstanding.

“Okay,” Tsukki said.

“Okay?” Tadashi said. He couldn’t believe that Tsukki could be so calm. Tadashi felt like energy was buzzing inside him. He almost started laughing. “And just like that, we’re dating?”

Tsukki nodded.

Tadashi stared at him, surprised that it could be so simple. But what else had Tadashi expected? Some long rambling confession? Tears of joy? Tadashi hadn’t really thought about how Tsukki would react if he liked Tadashi too, being too worried about how Tsukki would act differently if he had to reject him. If Tadashi had thought about it, he realized he would have imagined something like this. Calmness, just a few words, an easy acceptance.

Once they got back to Tadashi’s house, Tadashi had been nervous until he had sat on his bed and Tsukki had sat at his desk. The routine feeling of it calmed his nerves, and he pulled out Tsukki’s notebook to copy down his notes to distract himself. These nerves were better than the ones he was feeling before, but Tadashi still didn’t want to deal with them today.

They continued through their routine, and Tadashi felt almost like he was on autopilot—clinging to normalcy—until it got late and Tsukki got up to leave.

“Goodnight,” Tsukki said, and Tadashi felt a moment of panic. None of it felt real. He knew Tsukki wouldn’t want to have a long conversation about their feelings, but he didn’t want to wake up tomorrow and wonder if starting to date Tsukki had been a dream.

“Wait,” Tadashi said, and Tsukki turned around in the doorway.

“Can I tell my parents that you’re my boyfriend?” Tadashi asked. His voice rose in pitch at the word boyfriend, but Tsukki thankfully ignored it instead of teasing him.

If Tadashi told his parents, he knew they would be happy for him. He was pretty sure they both thought that he and Tsukki were dating already. They’d been hinting for years now that they didn’t mind two boys dating. His mom had even once dragged him halfway across a grocery store to point out a foreign family—a little girl with what looked like her two dads—to tell him how cute she thought they were.

His parents’ smiles tomorrow could be his proof.

Tsukki looked at him a long time, but Tadashi could tell from his expression that he was merely thinking it through. When Tsukki gave people permission to do things, Tadashi knew he liked to mean it.

Then Tsukki said, “You can tell whoever you’d like to.”

Tadashi nodded, and then held his breath at the small smile shared between them.

Then Tsukki broke the moment, calm as ever, and asked, “Do you want me to be there when you tell your parents?”

“No,” Tadashi said, shaking his head. “Thank you for offering, but I’ll be fine.”

Tsukki nodded, raised a hand in farewell, and then left.

Tadashi told his parents before they went to bed that night, and they’d both hugged him. “I’m glad you felt like you could let us know,” his father said, and then he winked.

His mother even made a cake the next day, and then asked Tsukki and him to eat a slice with her at the kitchen table when they got back from Karasuno.

Tadashi expected Tsukki to bulk at the cake as they both stared down at the CONGRATULATIONS written in blue icing, but Tsukki just thanked Tadashi’s mother and calmly sat down to take a slice. Tadashi felt dumbfounded, both because his mother had actually made it and because Tsukki was actually eating it.

But, as Tadashi handed his empty plate back to his mother and waited in the kitchen doorway for Tsukki, he realized he was actually pretty happy.

***

(Two Weeks Later)

Tadashi finished his last English question and let out a sigh of relief, glad he was able to get through the whole assignment without needing to ask Tsukki for help. He preferred being able to do things by himself.

He looked up at Tsukki, who had finished his homework over half an hour ago and was reading a book that he’d pulled off of Tadashi’s shelf. He must not have brought his own book today. It was something he’d done so many times that Tadashi felt the familiarity of it pull at his stomach.

It was like nothing had changed.

In fact, other than the extra big smiles his parents gave them, not much had been different about the past two weeks. Tadashi still felt a little nervous around Tsukki now, sometimes, but it was a good nervous.

Tadashi tightened his grip around his pencil. He thought that they’d be talking more, touching more now that they were dating. But he felt like the distance Tsukki always put up was still there, like a wall between them, leaving Tadashi struggling to figure things out by himself.

Neither of them had dated before. Maybe that was it? Maybe they were both just awful at it. Or maybe they had just been friends for too long and were stuck in a routine that they couldn’t get out of. They were in their usual places, with Tsukki at Tadashi’s desk and with Tadashi cross-legged on his bed, leaning against the wall. Maybe that could change? Maybe Tadashi could ask Tsukki, right now, to sit with him on the bed?

Tadashi shook his head and leaned forward to put away his English book. He shouldn’t let himself obsess like this. Friends dated all the time, and Tadashi should be able to figure this out.

He reminded himself that one thing had changed. He caught Tsukki looking at him a lot now, and Tsukki would give Tadashi that hidden smile most people didn’t notice when they made eye contact. That was nice.

Tadashi was getting caught staring more too, but he couldn’t be as casual about as Tsukki could. Too many times he’d catch himself watching Tsukki instead of doing whatever he was supposed to be doing. It felt better to look at him now, because he felt like he had permission, so he did it more often. When Tsukki caught him, he’d look away and know he was blushing. When he’d look back, Tsukki’s mouth would be pressed into a line that made him look angry but Tadashi knew it was just what Tsukki did when he was trying not to laugh.

So they looked at each other more. That _had_ changed. Tadashi nodded to himself.

Tsukki looked up at him briefly before going back to the book, and Tadashi watched him read for a while. He loved how calm and focused Tsukki looked when he was reading. And if he was interested in the book, the usual hard edge to his expression settled into something more neutral—like he was sleeping. His face was doing that now.

The book was one Tadashi had gotten from his grandmother in the mail about a month ago: _Everything You Didn’t Know About Introverts._ His grandmother used to insist that Tadashi wasn’t social enough while he was growing up, and he thought that she felt bad about it now—because she’d started sending him books on introversion about a year ago. He didn’t like when they came, mostly because he would feel guilty until he read them. The books usually ended up in his closet, but Tadashi had liked that one enough to put it on his shelf.

“Why that book, Tsukki?” Tadashi asked. He could feel himself blushing. Watching Tsukki read it was embarrassing. Tadashi had underlined stuff while he read it. He tried to remember if he had underlined anything that Tsukki could tease him about and he was pretty sure he had.

Tsukki turned to look at him and raised his eyebrows. “Why not this book?” he asked.

Tadashi shrugged. “You usually read my astronomy books.”

Tsukki nodded and said, “Yes, but I’ve read all of those before. This book was new.”

“Okay,” Tadashi said. He reached for his Nintendo and turned it on, trying to make himself stop blushing. He could feel Tsukki watching him as he started to play Pokemon, but he tried to ignore it. After a few moments, Tsukki started reading again.

Tadashi stared at his screen. Wasn’t there a chapter on relationships in that book? Had Tadashi underlined anything in that chapter? What if Tsukki was reading that chapter now? Just the thought made him start to feel too warm.

“Yamaguchi?” Tsukki asked.

Tadashi startled. He felt like he had just gotten caught doing something he shouldn’t. Tadashi turned to look at Tsukki, who was frowning down at the book.

“Yeah?” Tadashi said.

Tsukki turned to look at him, still frowning, and asked, “What do you do when I’m not here?”

Tadashi blinked. “What?” he asked.

Tsukki was still frowning. “I just realized that I have no idea what you do at home when I’m not here,” he said. “What are your hobbies?”

Tadashi thought of the sketchpads in his desk, too full of drawings of Tsukki. It had never felt unusual to him, but he knew it might be a little strange to draw one person so much more than anything else. He hadn’t ever showed them to anyone. And if his parents had found them, they hadn’t said anything.

“Why are you asking all of a sudden?”

Tsukki’s eyes widened as Tadashi dodged the question and he pointed down at the book. “It says here that introverts often have secret hobbies,” he said.

Tadashi winced. He was pretty sure he had underlined that.

Tsukki was looking at Tadashi like he was slowly growing a second head or could glow in the dark. “You really do have a secret hobby, don’t you?” Tsukki asked, tilting his head to the side.

Tadashi opened his mouth to deny it, but he didn’t want to lie.

“I guess so,” Tadashi said. He looked back down at his game, hoping that Tsukki would take the hint and drop it. After a long moment of silence, he chanced a glance up at Tsukki to see that his mouth was pressed into a line, eyes full of amusement.

“Don’t laugh at me, Tsukki,” Tadashi said. He drew his knees up to his chest.

“I won’t,” Tsukki said, setting the book down. “I’m just surprised.”

“Hmph.” Tadashi tightened his arms around his legs and continued to play his game, not caring that he was probably pouting a little.

“So what is your secret hobby?” Tsukki asked and Tadashi didn’t have to look up to know that he was smiling.

Tadashi didn’t answer for a while, but Tsukki waited patiently. He was always patient with Tadashi. Too patient compared to the way he was with everyone else. Maybe if Tsukki was less patient, their relationship would actually be going somewhere instead of stuck in this standstill. But Tadashi knew that wasn’t fair, that it was both of them, and they were each just waiting for the other person to do something first.

Tadashi could feel Tsukki watching him, and he knew that Tsukki would let it go if he was quiet long enough. But Tadashi wanted more things to change, so he cleared his throat and said, “Did you really never think to ask before?”

Tadashi knew all of Tsukki’s hobbies—paleontology and music and books—but that’s only because he used to constantly wonder and ask Tsukki what he was doing. Hadn’t Tsukki ever been curious too?

Tsukki got up out of the desk chair and sat down next to Tadashi on the bed. Tadashi expected it to please him, but it just made him wish that Tsukki had been sitting next to him the whole time. He knew Tsukki was only doing it now because he had noticed that Tadashi wasn't happy with him.

Tsukki was sitting with his legs out in front of him and they hung off the side of Tadashi’s bed, crossed at the ankle. Tadashi had to make himself stop looking at them. He took a deep breath.

“Are you angry?” Tsukki asked.

“No,” Tadashi said. “Just... not happy.”

“Well, I’m asking about your hobbies now,” Tsukki said.

“Because of that book,” Tadashi said, frowning down at his screen. Tadashi knew he was picking a fight, but he didn’t care. Maybe they were one of those rage couples, the ones who furiously made out against walls and in bathroom stalls. The thought made Tadashi feel oddly hysterical, because he’d bet anything that Tsukki would never make out in a bathroom.

“I’m asking because I want to know,” Tsukki said. He sounded frustrated, but Tadashi was frustrated too. He was pushing the buttons of his Nintendo so hard that he kept making wrong turns. Tsukki reached forward and gently pulled the Nintendo out of Tadashi’s hands.

“I’m sorry I didn’t think to ask before,” Tsukki said and Tadashi looked up at him in surprise at the apology. That didn’t happen often. “Would you tell me now, anyway?”

“Fine,” Tadashi said. “But no teasing, even if you think it’s lame.”

“Okay,” Tsukki said. “No teasing.”

“I... um,” Tadashi said, looking down at his hands. He pushed the tips of his fingers together. “I draw.”

“You draw?” Tsukki asked. “What do you draw?”

“Lots of things,” Tadashi said. He pointed to his drawer. “I keep my sketchbooks in there, if you want to see.”

Tsukki got up and opened the drawer.

“Grab the black one,” Tadashi said quickly. It was the sketchbook he took with him to the gazebo in the park sometimes. It had no drawings of Tsukki in it, unlike all the others.

Tsukki thumbed through Tadashi’s sketchbooks until he got to the black one and then he sat back down. Tadashi watched nervously as Tsukki opened the sketchbook and started paging through it. There was a drawing of the park itself, then the slides and swing set wet after a heavy rain, then a neighborhood cat perched on a stone wall. Tadashi stopped looking at the drawings and looked up at Tsukki instead as he flipped through the pages.

He seemed genuinely surprised.

“I had no idea,” Tsukki said when he finished. “These are really good.”

Tadashi shrugged the compliment off and looked away, but he was pleased.

Tsukki put the black sketchbook aside and made to get up again, but Tadashi quickly grabbed his arm to stop him.

“What are you doing?” Tadashi asked. His voice came out higher than usual, and he winced.

Tsukki stared down at Tadashi’s hand on his arm, then up at Tadashi’s face. And Tadashi must be embarrassingly readable, because then Tsukki looked at the remaining sketchbooks in the drawer and asked, “Is there something in those that you don’t want me to see?”

Tadashi could feel himself start to sweat. Because how could he say _Yes. I don’t want you to see them because you will find countless drawings of yourself?_

Tsukki’s eyebrows were going farther and farther up his forehead, and Tadashi could feel his face getting redder. Tsukki’s mouth was twitching, and Tadashi could practically feel him holding himself back—because he’d promised not to tease. As the moment drug on, Tadashi even found himself slightly impressed at Tsukki’s restraint.

Tadashi sighed and hung his head. He let go of Tsukki’s arm, but Tsukki made no move to get up again.

“I don’t have to see them,” Tsukki said.

Tadashi looked up at him, and then back at the sketchbooks. He knew it would be embarrassing to show them, but they had been a secret for so long, they now felt like a distance between them that Tadashi had put there himself.

“I’ll show them to you,” Tadashi said.

“You don’t have to.”

“No. I want to,” Tadashi said. Tsukki was studying his face, but Tadashi found his own gaze drawn down to Tsukki’s mouth. He wanted more things to change.

“But first...” Tadashi gestured for Tsukki to come closer, like Tadashi was going to whisper something. Tsukki did, and Tadashi put a hand on the side of his face. Tsukki’s expression remained neutral, but Tadashi could see his eyes widen as Tadashi closed the distance between their mouths.

They both kind of froze for a moment, and then Tadashi made himself move. He brought his other hand up and moved his mouth against Tsukki’s, hoping he was doing it right. He waited until Tsukki kissed him back, moving his lips tentatively, before he pulled away. He could feel his heart beating in his chest, because he’d kissed Tsukki. He’d actually kissed him, and it had felt good. Really good.

Tsukki’s eyes were closed, and it took him a moment to open them.

“You like me?” Tadashi asked.

Tsukki frowned, but nodded, and Tadashi could feel Tsukki’s head move in his hands.

“Really?” Tadashi asked and, as he did, he realized he still didn’t quite believe it.

“Yes,” Tsukki said.

“And we’re dating? You want to keep dating me?”

“Yes,” Tsukki said.

Tadashi looked away and nodded a few times to himself.

“Yamaguchi,” Tsukki said, and he waited until Tadashi made eye contact with him before he continued. “I would have told you if I didn’t like you.”

Tadashi nodded again, because that was true. Tsukki never had any issues with letting people know that he didn’t like them. Tadashi fought back a smile. This kind of felt like a confession, but it was more like Tsukki was merely implying that he liked Tadashi back. Tadashi had to infer it, find it like a clue. And that was so like Tsukki, Tadashi almost burst out laughing.

“I wouldn’t let you do this,” Tsukki said, one hand gesturing between them, “if I didn’t like you.”

And Tadashi realized that he still had his hands on either side of Tsukki’s face, and Tsukki had made no move to remove them. He felt himself go still, because Tsukki didn’t like people touching him, not even his family.

But he was letting Tadashi touch him, not moving away. And that was new, that was something that had changed.

Tadashi let go with one hand, but he moved the other up and then back through Tsukki’s hair—because he wanted to and as a test, just to make sure. Tsukki just kept looking at him, so Tadashi moved the hand down the back of Tsukki’s neck and then forward over his shoulder. He traced the outline of Tsukki’s collarbone with his thumb, and then moved his hand down and settled it over Tsukki’s heart.

Only then did Tsukki move back, just a little, but that was probably because there was no disguising the heartbeat that was beating hard and fast under Tadashi’s fingers as nonchalance.

Tsukki still did nothing to stop him, but now he looked kind of... shy? Tadashi wasn’t sure but, whatever it was, he wanted to see more of it.

He smiled in relief, because he believed it now. Somehow, Tsukishima Kei wanted to date him. Tsukki _liked him._

Tadashi stood up and Tsukki’s eyes followed him.

“Okay,” Tadashi said. He paced back and forth a few times. “Okay.”

He stopped in the middle of the room and then walked over to his desk. He grabbed a sketchbook a random and held it out to Tsukki, who seemed to take hold of it only out of reflex.

“I’ve drawn you a lot,” Tadashi said. There. He’d said it. He let go of the sketchbook and sat down next to Tsukki again.

Tsukki opened his mouth to say something, but then seemed to change his mind. He opened the sketchbook instead and Tadashi looked at the date on the first page, cringing when it indeed was a drawing of Tsukki sitting at a school desk. It was from when they were in middle school.

Tadashi looked away then, not wanting to see Tsukki look at these drawings. They felt so much more personal than the ones he’d drawn at the gazebo.

Tadashi had no idea how long he sat there, looking out his window, when Tsukki said, “You don’t have to be so tense. I like them.”

Tadashi realized he had clenched his hands into fists and tried to relax, but when Tsukki tried to hand the sketchbook back to him, it took him a few seconds to react.

He grabbed it and looked down at the drawing it was opened to.

“You kept drawing her in this,” Tsukki said as he leaned his back against Tadashi’s wall. “Ito-san? The drawings are dated from our second year of middle school.”

“Huh?” Tadashi said. He had been so prepared to defend why he’d drawn Tsukki so much, the mention of Ito-san caught him off guard. He briefly look down at her short hair, her straight posture with her hand up into the air to answer a question, and then Tsukki turned the page and he could see her glaring at another girl who seemed to be asking to eat lunch with her.

“Oh,” Tadashi said. “She was in our class.”

Tsukki nodded and said, “I remember.” The corner of his mouth twitched up and he asked, “A crush?”

Tadashi nodded, and he knew he was blushing.

Tsukki tilted his head and said, “I don’t remember her being very nice.”

“Well...” Tadashi said, closing the sketchbook and handing it back to Tsukki. “Neither are you.”

Tsukki smiled then, and Tadashi could tell he was pleased. Tsukki shrugged a shoulder like he was shaking off a compliment.

“I guess I have a type,” Tadashi said.

Tsukki got up to put the sketchbook away. He put it back into the desk and shut the drawer. Then Tsukki paused, still looking down. “I really did like the drawings,” he said.

Tadashi smiled.

“But you don’t have to show them to me again, if you don’t like to,” Tsukki said.

“No,” Tadashi said, waving his hands a bit. “It’s not-”

“Yamaguchi,” Tsukki said, cutting him off as he turned to look at him. “You only have to do the things you want to do, with me.”

“I know,” Tadashi said. “I just wanted things to change.”

“Change?” Tsukki asked.

“Nothing felt different,” Tadashi said, looking out the window again. “We were just acting the same way we always had.”

Tsukki sat back down at the desk, and Tadashi felt a flicker of annoyance. Then Tsukki asked, “Well, what do you want to be different?”

Tadashi pointed at the desk and said firmly, “I don’t want you to sit there anymore.”

“Okay,” Tsukki said, his eyes widening slightly—like he hadn’t actually expected Tadashi to have something in mind.

Tadashi pointed at the bed next to him. “I want you to sit here.”

“Okay,” Tsukki said again. He got up and sat next to Tadashi, bringing the book on introverts with him.

“And I want to go on a real date. I’ll plan it,” Tadashi said.

“When?” Tsukki asked. He had leaned his back against the wall again and had a small smile on his face that was giving Tadashi confidence.

“Saturday,” Tadashi said.

“Okay,” Tsukki said. He seemed amused. “Anything else?”

“No,” Tadashi said. Then he thought of something else. “Wait. Yes.”

Tsukki kept looking at him, waiting as Tadashi hesitated.

“I want to touch you more,” Tadashi said, “And I want you to touch me more.”

“Okay,” Tsukki said, but it came out a little strained.

Tadashi frowned in confusion and then jumped to clarify, “I don’t mean all the time. I just mean when we want to. And I want to go slow, I think. Physically.”

Tsukki nodded, looking relieved. Tadashi stared at him as his own words hit him. Going slow. Going slow physically. Because, unless they broke up, he and Tsukki were going to have sex.

Feeling awkward, Tadashi pushed the thought away and started looking around. “Where’s my game?”

“On your pillow,” Tsukki said and Tadashi looked down to see his Nintendo inches from his left hand. He picked it up and switched it back on, fumbling slightly. He heard a quiet huff of laughter from Tsukki, but when Tadashi turned to look, Tsukki had already opened the book on introverts again and appeared to be reading calmly.

When Tsukki got up to leave an hour later, Tadashi got up too. Tsukki looked surprised, but when Tadashi put his hands on either side of Tsukki’s face and pulled him down a little to slot their mouths together, he went easily. One of Tsukki’s hands even closed around Tadashi’s wrist as he kissed him back—as though to keep him there.

Tadashi leaned back against his door after they’d finished kissing goodbye and Tsukki left. He put a hand to his mouth and smiled. He was excited for things to keep changing.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! The next fic should come faster this time around :)


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